Living with my Boyfriend

I have decided now to finally be active in my blogging and share my everyday life with my boyfriend and our life together. Me and my beloved partner

have been together for 1 year in May. It feels absolutely wonderful to be together with him every day. Our months together we have been wrestling with much in everyday life, joy and sorrow. My love is not possible to describe with words.

I moved to a new city to live with him, it was difficult in the beginning before I started to find around the city and before I met friends. But finally I got new friends and started finding more and more around my new city.

Me and my boyfriend  live centrally in an apartment together with our little cats Amos and Amoria. It has been a great event rich years, finding my life love and living together with our cats together and moving from a small town to a little bigger city. It has been my best time with Him, and I love him so incredibly much.

And I know that this coming year with him will be as wonderful as this has been, my partner will fill 30 and I'll be 31. We will travel more together and see our little kisses grow up and find a bigger apartment together. I would be so happy if you would like to come along with us on our trip. ❤️

 

2016 has gone by Now a new year and maybe a better one in 2017 ?

More than a year after my accident, I was involved last year in August. Has been a tough year for me, that's why I have not posted any new blog post. My life has changed an awful lot this year. I feel more lost than before.But I will be as honest as I can, and tell me what has happened in my life past years.I got a lot to think about last fall, all of my visits to the hospital, doctors and psychologists. Even then I knew that my life will not be the same. Week after week, month after month, I lay in bed, but I finally got to start with physical therapy. In January this year I slowly start rehab training, it was a long process and hard work for me to get going again. Training was extremely difficult, I had rehab training two times a week for 6 months, I slowly begin to get better and feel stronger in my back (spine) again.All my emotions had been all over the place. I had such anxiety and I feeling worse psychologically. I had follow-ups with my doctor and my psychologist and follow-ups with my medications I started in the autumn of my anxiety. For a start, I thought that the medicine helped okay, except that I was sick every morning, and that my anxiety attacks were stronger than I had hate in my life.I talk to my doctor that he helped me with a new variety and it's the medicine I eat now today. I know how this new medicine will help me, and how much I have been able to do because of this medicine.The summer of 2016 was up down for me. I was still sick. But I felt my back was better and I manage to do more things to the back was better. But I was not feeling well, but much worse. I had steady visits with my shrink throughout the summer and I begin to slowly realize my worries and problems. Anxiety and depression, and my obsessive compulsive syndrome, I work with my illness every day. And every day is hard and tough like me. (I will write with a detailed blog post about this later.)

But I applied to some programs and courses at the University of Gothenburg, and I came into the literature, I thought I would not get into. I was unsure if I would accept and start at the university and how I would be able to read when I was not feeling well.I start university this autumn and it has been extremely hard for me, I had anxiety all the time and every time I would try to go in with the train to Gothenburg. Before each lecture and lesson. I turned many times on the station to go back home again.My dream was to study literature, I did but I couldn't finish my studies so I in November I decided to take a break from my studies.. My dream was to work with book publishing and become a writer. This is still my dream to become.  One Day when I feel better I hope I will work in book publishing. :)

2016 was a very difficult year for me as well was 2015.. Know I hope this new year will be much better. I don't now that this new year will bring me but  I know  I will be 30 this year and that is a bit scary!  I also wish this new year will bring me more happiness.  I know this is a jumpy posts but I feel that I am a little forced to give you any explanation on how I feel and why I have not written any new blog entries.

I'll try to write a little more, but I do not know how many there will be a week or how I will do. I have 3-4 posts I have been planning to write. That will come up during February 2017. I hope you understand and write great posts if you are going to comment :)

Baking For Christmas

This Sunday first advent, I have been

Baking gingerbread cookies 🍪 🎄

Crying

On the 28 October was so difficult, I was been crying all day long… All my emotions have been all over the place and coming up to the surface and I do not know what I can do..... Is it normal??  I don't know anything anymore...

There has been a difficult day at the community health- center today..I do not like it...I know I need to go there...I was so tired when i got home. My head was so empty...  
The hard part is that I'm already anxious and worried  for tomorrow when I’m  off to the hospital again , you might think I'm getting used to it perhaps. But it's so stressful to be in a hospital. I don’t like it at all, it so stressful and I feel very anxious very time, and I’m in the hospital.  I did a MRI,on the 29 of October... I have never liked to do a MRI and find it scary....Ugh, and it’s so scary and uncomfortable… I know is good for me to do a MRI, and see why my legs feel weird sometimes...

I do not know if I will be fine. I do not know if my back will be fine. I do not know if a back can be completely recovered from this kind of injury? How this will shape my life.

They did not find anything new in mat spine or why i don't feel my legs sometimes...  
I cry more and more every day.. I don't know that i can do... I feel terrible. 

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Home from the hospital

Ever since I came home from the hospital, everything has been up and down, several days I do not even want to watch a movie or do something else but cry!  

I have been home now for a while from the hospital, and I have been on two visits and it has been just as difficult and emotionally every time.

My first visits was the worst, I was so destroyed that day, when I saw my X-ray and my doctor told me at I've gotten worse. My doctor sat in his chair in front of his computer in my wheelchair and I could not stop crying, the tears just rolled down my cheeks. He told me that this damage will take twice as long one was it was calculated from the beginning, because my back got worse and much worse than it was when I hurt me. When I heard these words, start the whole room spinning in front of me and I start shaking and I was really trying to concentrate on my doctor's words and what he would tell me. I saw how his mouth was opened and closed front of me. But it was like I was in a fog, and all audio around me had disappeared. I took two deep breaths and closed my eyes and I tried focus at my doctor's voice. Eventually, I was back in the room again and I heard his voice again. He told me that he would talk and advise with another doctor and if I would get a harness to keep my back in place or not.

Two days later after my first visit, my doctor called me up and tell me that I would need the harness that I should wear every day. Now that I've had it on for 4-5 weeks so I know how it works better The only thing that's hard about it is that the rub into my armpits and huts a little….

The worst thing is that I cannot know what my future will look like, and that make me so scared I do not even know if my back will be good or how long it will take before I get better. The fear is so terrible, not knowing how one's life will be and what will happen with my back. I do not even know if I can work with what I've done now one year back. Or if I will be able to do ordinary things that belong to one's everyday life, like carrying food bags or walk longer walks, or move the children at work. All this I took for granted before I got injured was so obvious in my life like have fun with my friends and go for a long walk, and now everything is so uncertain and terrifying…..

It's so hard not to know what my life will look like in just a few months, the fear is so annoying. It is like opening a door and once you've opened it, you can only see a black room. You do not know what you will encounter inside this room or even how to get out. This is exactly how I feel about my future, I do not even know if I will have a future ... There is not a day that lying in bed and crying because I’m in so much  pain, but also over the fear of not knowing how I will feel in a few months.

This week I returned to the hospital again to x-ray, but this time they do an MRI on my back. I do not see forward ... that day will be as tough and difficult and very long.

… I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know I will get throw this or even survive.  Life can be so cruel!.... 

My time in the Hospital

A month ago, on 6 August, I was with my friend and her mother-in-law the woods with horses and riding. We had great fun.The weather was wonderful and it was hot even though it was the time approached to 18 o'clock.

But then something happened that is absolutely not allowed to happen !! There came a man on the bike straight at me and the horse was very afraid, and I flew off the horse .. I land on the ground with the butt first, and I heard some strange noises my back ... I screamed and my tears just rolled down my cheeks. I lay there on the ground in the woods. I cried and cried, I could not move or get up from the ground.

I heard some faint cries in front of me, my friend and her mother-in-law scolded the man on the bike. I was told then afterwards that she had been screaming at him and scolded him everything she could! Then he had to be cycled away without help or see how it went with me.

I do not remember so much over the minute I fall off the horse and lay there on the ground .. All of the so blurry for me, I felt the terrible pain in my back. Everything was so confusing, and I felt like I was for a little away for a few minutes, then I heard my friend's voice, she was bending over me and I had to give concerts myself really hard to get in, she said to me. I found it hard to concentrate on her voice ... But I got really try ..

She ask me if I could get up, I did not know if I could or how I would get up from the ground.

All spinning in front of me, I heard her tell that the horse had been cut through and now he was running loose out on the road ... It was a big risk of danger!

I tried to get up to a sitting position, it took several minutes for me .. I felt this, I will never do .... But I knew I had to try, because I cannot remain here on the ground. But eventually I came up to standing. Slowly but surely, I tried to get back to the farm. I do not know how I managed, or how long time it took for me, I cried for every step I took so come just yet more tears I cried for every step I took.

But in the end, my friend running towards me and helped me then came her mother with the car and she drove me home.

There and then I knew I had to go to the hospital!

We went straight to the hospital, we had to stay there in the emergency room for a few hours .. I was sent for X-rays, then back to my room down to the emergency room.

Hours went by and finally got my doctorate in to me, and tell me that I had to stay in hospital overnight for a new survey and a new X-ray morning there on.

 It took a few hours before I had to get up to a department. My friend and I, we wait and wait, and we were both tired.

But when the clock was close to 1:50 so I finally get up to a department within the hospital.

I spent 4-days in the hospital, where I received lots of help by the staff. It helped me to get up and walk a few small steps every day, it was tough and I could not always either walk or take me out, it is very difficult .. There were several times I thought that I will never do so.

The day I would get to go home approached, and I was anxious and very worried and afraid that everything would go wrong, I knew I would not have the security that I had in the hospital.